Finding Joy When Exhausted

I can’t really remember when I last felt happy without also feeling tired. Perhaps there are times I confuse fatigue with depression. This year has left me weak, but building rather than breaking. I’m building strength, I’m building myself up again. The three things that impact me the most right now are: eating, sleeping, muscle pain. I have been working on eating more throughout the day, but also eating more greens and proteins and things to give me energy. I’m not always good at this. I really have been slacking on it.

I am not sure if my sleep problem is more because I do not get enough sleep or if my quality of sleep is the problem. I know my quality of sleep is messy. It takes me a while to fall asleep, and sometimes I wake up with nightmares. I talk in my sleep, cry out in my sleep, sometimes wake up in a sweat. I have tried magnesium, melatonin, a few different sleep medications. When I am not sleeping well at night, I sleep very late during the day. This makes the cycle continue..leaving me in bed most of the time, yet exhausted.

I am also not sure how my muscle pain began, but I am trying to help it. In the spring I developed a ganglion cyst on my right hand. Wearing a brace to sleep and for driving, typing, has helped the swelling to go down. X-rays have been normal, a chiropractor told me it was likely emotional pain. I have also recognized that stress and anxiety make my hands tense up, and in my sleep I clench my fists. This makes it hard to turn doorknobs, open jars, do a lot of things. Improving wrist weakness is not easy, and I am not working on exercises as much as I should be.

With these things weighing on me, I go through periods of sadness because I am so tired of being so tired. I feel guilty I am not productive, or that I haven’t gone back to work (I do have a job interview soon). I am aware I need more creative outlets or things to bring light and happiness into my days. Writing is great, but my writing often reflects how I am feeling. It is harder to write about cheerful things when I truly want to just chill and reflect. I also realized that aside from an activity, I need to smile more and have more positive thoughts. I can be genuine, but also try harder to keep my mindset lighter. If I have better, happier thoughts maybe my energy level will be better too.

I listen to a lot of slow songs, ballads, and lately I have been playing more upbeat music. It is weird listening to faster music when I feel tired, but it has been a good change and it has made car rides more enjoyable. I have started drinking coffee again to help me train to wake up earlier. It is going to be a hard change, but a change I need in order to truly feel like I am living my life and making my days purposeful.

I used to love photography, but I need a new battery for my Canon and haven’t gotten around to getting one. I used to love scrapbooking, making jewelry. There are a lot of things I have neglected. I could create a mood board..

Really I am not sure what to do with my time to bring some enjoyment. Instead, I plan to make a list of all of the things I want to do or “would” want to do if I wasn’t tired or in pain. I know when that time comes I will want to tackle it all!

Chronic illness is about patience. Patience, and hope.