Triggers: It’s OK not to know

I was never able to identify my triggers, I just knew that I had them. I could not name what would trigger me, and because of this it was hard to avoid or prepare myself for triggers. When I would become triggered, I would be asked what happened to set it off. “It” being a panic attack or dissociative episode. I would say, “I don’t know.” I would be fully aware of the shift in my mood, and could not give a reason for why it happened. When the words “I don’t know” are spoken, I become raveled in negative self-talk. I blame myself for how I am feeling, when I am unable to stop it.

I realized over time that in order to identify my triggers I had to listen to my body more.

When would my face feel warm? When did I start playing with my hands? When did the nausea start? The choking feeling in my throat..

Even if something was not obvious or did not make much sense I would start to notice my responses in my interactions with others. “I’m not sure why, but when when you said ___ I started to feel dizzy.” These are things that I shove aside and try to fight, when in reality my body is giving me messages that it is starting to become overwhelmed.

It helpful to identify triggers when you notice them. This is not always possible, but sometimes I find acknowledging them makes them go away easier. When I fight against them, I become more triggered, and my body goes into greater stress.

I have found it “cool” (when I am not actually feeling it.) My body gives me signals, and it speaks to me every day. I just ignore it. When I understand it, I sometimes give self-talk and tell myself “Thank you. I’m going to take a step back now.”

Even if I am watching a show and starting to feel overwhelmed by what I’m watching- I get very emotionally invested and sometimes feel depressed after watching too many dramas. I have learned to watch things that make me feel good, laugh, or that teach me something. I have been rewatching a lot of comfort shows and films and it has been helpful!

Sometimes writing helps, but sometimes writing triggers old stuff to come to surface. I have to be very careful of the content I consume, the places I go, the people I surround myself with. My energy is important and I want to protect it. When you have trauma, it is easy to picture your body boxed in or with a shield. The shield is never really there..

We do what we do to keep ourselves feeling safe. Even when we don’t understand our responses, are frustrated, embarrassed-

it’s OK!

& it’s OK to need reminders of that. I know I do.