Boundaries During Holidays

I was not planning on writing about this because it felt too hard. Today was hard. I wasn’t going to write about it while in this headspace because I’m likely going to cry. I changed my mind, realizing this is probably the best time to write. It is important I truly feel my feelings in order to release them.

I grew up associating the holidays with being pulled in numerous directions. Both of my parents had divorced parents so I have step-grandparents as well. If we spent a holiday with one side of the family, I would feel guilt for not seeing the others. I grew up with 2 Thanksgivings, and 3 Christmas gatherings (not including waking up at my own home on Christmas morning). I have 2 specific Thanksgiving memories. At my Grammy and Grandpa Carl’s house we would go off-roading. I would climb in the bed of a truck with my cousins and laugh as we slid with each bump and turn, branches nearly wiping us out. Every year I look forward to my family’s sweet potato casserole, and pumpkin cheesecake. Thanksgiving at my Nana and Papa’s house we would walk down to Papa’s brook, across a bridge, and light a tree for the holiday season. Each year it was a different grandchild’s turn to flip the switch and light the tree. We would sing carols (horribly) and there was always laughter.

So many things changed. Papa died in 2015, and we stopped having Thanksgiving with that side of the family as their family grew as well. Thanksgiving was still my favorite holiday, but I still associated holidays with obligation, and pleasing everyone else. Growing up, I did not know why holidays overwhelmed me so much. I remember being young and crying at a Christmas gathering and did not know why I was feeling so sad. I was overwhelmed with the amount of people and all of the talking, even though I knew everyone in the room. Holidays were not always easy, but they certainly got harder.

Two of my family members I do not speak to. One, I don’t expect to face ever again. The other isn’t so far away. I have panic attacks each year as holidays approach because as much as I do not want to go to our gatherings, I feel guilt disappointing the family I do want to see. I have learned that holidays should not feel like something I should white-knuckle. Holidays should be a time that feels cozy, safe, and full of love. I have been better about setting boundaries each year, and my family has been better at accepting that I may be at some gatherings and may not. I may leave early or I may only stop by. Once I continued to set boundaries, people stopped expecting. Each year, however, I hear some form of disapproval. This year for Thanksgiving I wanted to try to show up because it is a time to see my cousins. There is one family member I do not want to see, and seeing this person makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable. I thought I could go and just avoid this person, but I know that even being in the same space as them would be unhealthy for me. It is always a red flag when I am crying and panicking about a holiday weeks before it even arrives. My nightmares get worse, I dissociate, my arthritis gets worse, my pelvic pain returns, and I can hardly eat. It is not about being stubborn. Nobody understands.

Today I told my mom I won’t be at Thanksgiving. She cried. I don’t do this to hurt her. I don’t know how to protect myself without hurting her. She has a right to be sad about the situation, but it does not make it OK to make me feel badly for it. I heard, “For years we have heard you say that you are just going to do what you want to do, and here we just go along with it.” Like, yes that is what boundaries are. I have been called selfish many times, and even though she did not say those words, she basically was. I am tired of hearing this story about how my Papa used to say “Roots are important. Stick to your roots.” I am not going to stay in my hometown because my family is. I am not going to maintain relationships with family who make me feel unsafe. I don’t believe in “but they are family.” Family should feel like a safe space. Family should build you up, not drain you. Family should not leave you preferring to be alone on a holiday instead of being around them.

I never wanted it to be this way. It was weird explaining to my girlfriend that I am indeed family-oriented. At first she didn’t see it that way because all she knew was how much I did not want to see my family. Now she understands that I am family-oriented with those I feel safe with. Safe to be me. My mom suggested I text this person and remind them that I still care and miss them. I wasn’t trying to sound like a bitch, but I took a breath and said, “But I don’t miss them”. I said that I was comfortable, I was happy, I was doing the right thing by not reaching out. Why does it have to be me? I used to try. They made no efforts in replying to me, and I stopped trying as well.

I also know that it is not fair to the rest of my family to witness the drama between me and this person on holidays. Everyone can sense the tension and it does affect others. I am an understanding person, I have empathy for what this person has been through. I don’t hate them, I just want to be able to trust that they are better.

I feel so grateful when I find someone who understands what it is like to have to cut a family member out of their life. I feel so alone because I know most of my family does not understand. I come from a family who often does things because they feel they have to, not because they want to. I don’t want to live my life that way, especially when it compromises my health. I did that for years, and I learned hard lessons from it.

I’m still stuck on seeing my mother cry today. I tried to hold my own, but I cried too. She told me that she hates the holidays, because she is sad about this situation year after year. She wants everyone to get along. It is not that simple. It has never been this way. I still wonder if it is truly about her missing me, or more about the fact that I said, “no.” I wish that my decision to cut contact with this person, did not make her take it on as well. All I want is acceptance. I want my family to accept that yes this may suck, but this is how it is. I don’t want others to keep waiting for things to change, for us to start talking again. If it happens, it will happen in time. For now, I don’t see it happening, nor want it to happen. I want the holidays to go on for everyone else, as I do what I need to do for me.

I have never truly been close to this person. I have never felt accepted or understood. I have felt their discomfort around my relationship, and seen them avoid me when Aly is around. I have too many memories of fear or hurt by them. I don’t trust them, and I don’t trust they have changed. It is scary for me to wonder if I will be greeted with small-talk and respect (which is weirdly equally uncomfortable/ingenuine) or risk experiencing that pain again if I open that door.

I have to choose the lesser of two evils. After making this decision, I know that the holiday will still be hard. I know I will experience grief, and frustration, and sadness. I know a mix of emotions will come up on that day, as it does every holiday season. I also know that I would prefer those hard feelings, than to experience dread and panic while pushing myself to go. It is not worth being hypervigilant, trying my best to keep distance from someone I may not be able to get distance from. I would rather feel what I feel right now, sadness and some tears, but a deep knowing that I am doing the right thing. I can feel grief, and loneliness, and also trust that my body is thanking me for listening to its signals. I will hope that now that I made this confirming decision, my body and mind will begin to feel peace again.

When there are broken pieces in a family, it is helpful to find a chosen family. I am grateful that I have Aly, and her family who welcomes me with open arms. I am grateful that when I feel alone, I have other people to turn to. Aly is home to me, and her support means the world to me. I can grieve the fact that my family did not turn out to be what I imagined it to be as a child. While getting older, I can see that instead of waiting for things or people to change, it is best to work with what you have in this moment.

I can’t continue to fear others seeing me as selfish. It isn’t true, and I’ve never been a selfish person. If doing what is best for me means selfish, then sure, okay, I’ll be selfish. I think of everyone’s feelings before my own, but that won’t continue to help me live this life. I can create space from people without wishing them harm. It may feel safer for others to blame me than to accept that things are out of their control. I have to keep choosing myself again and again. I know that in the end, the right people will choose me too. The right people will cheer me on for having the courage to take care of me for once.

thanksgiving 2021

I don’t want to hate the holidays. I don’t want to keep trying to find ways to cope better in my family traditions. I’d like to create my own traditions that feel right for me. It will be uncomfortable to step into those changes, but I know a lot of my healing has come from even small uncomfortable steps in a different direction from what I have known.