I just shared my blog again for the first time in a while. I wrote one post about the new beginning, but no- I was not expecting I would be writing another one tonight. Certainly not about this.

I share my story, I share my joy, I share my growth, I share my anxieties. I do not often share my anger.. well, certainly not in this form. I am not taking the time to really edit this one. I am free-writing and letting my emotions and thoughts flow as I do. I am not sleeping and while awake in my bed, I hope I will word this in the ways that I am also thinking. Here we go.

I am uncomfortable. I have a pit in my stomach. I have an ache in my heart. My temples are sore from tensing as I scroll through my phone each day. All of this- is a good thing. I should be feeling this way. More people in the U.S. should be feeling this way.

There is a genocide happening and while I haven’t discussed it with every person I come across, I am bothered by how many people are not talking about it at all. I am bothered by those who are refusing to educate themselves to keep themselves comfortable while nobody in Palestine has that choice. 

I was reading some of my old blog posts and I found one where I wrote about Black Lives Matter. I wrote, “now is not the time to share my blog, about a white person’s mental health- there are bigger issues at hand to be talked about.”

I have that same feeling now. I just re-posted my blog and it feels like a terrible time to do so. It has been a while since I felt the courage to open my blog back up for others to read. When I felt that pull, I knew I had to roll with it while it was there. Perhaps in a way, I am bringing back my writing at a time where I can also be vocal about what Israel is doing to Palestine, and be vocal about how it is affecting me. My blog has always been to write about where I’m at, and while there are many areas of my life I am navigating right now, this too, is where I’m at.

I am often disturbed that there is always a conversation that unjust things are not to be discussed because it is best to avoid “politics”. I have never understood why something so clearly wrong becomes a debate. Genocide is not war. It is far more dangerous. What baffles me is that our country, my country, is pro-Israel for our own selfish benefits. There are mass murders, bombings to hospitals, mass starvation. The documentation, the evidence, understanding right from wrong- it is CLEAR. It should be CLEAR. There are even mass shootings in this country that are discussed for maybe a day, and then life goes on? I cannot understand.

It can be hard to fathom that such terrible evil happens in our world. Most people would want to tune it out to find ways to cope.. but it does not change what is happening. It is still happening. It is a privilege to be able to tune in and tune out when we want to.

Last month I spent 2 days in Disney World. I tried to wrap my head around the concept that neighborhoods of families are being murdered and I was going to the “happiest place on earth”. Many of us have privilege- the difference is who is reflecting and acknowledging that privilege.

I cannot compare my trauma to the trauma being experienced in Palestine- but I sure have been thinking about how people to respond to evil. I had my own experiences of evil, and there were many things I kept to myself because I knew it was beyond most people’s understanding. I had been told not too long ago, “I imagine that it's a sort of deep disillusion to live in a world where you've encountered firsthand that those things exist.”

It is also a disillusion for those who have not experienced evil and having trouble believing it. This is damaging to those who have and are experiencing it. I will always try to understand why the goal is for the ones suffering to make everyone else comfortable- and not the other way around.

What I had also been told was, “I think that we survive by the love and kindness of other people.”

In a time where we feel, and also are powerless, there is also some power in the good. I know for me, I am reminding myself to connect with others, be real and vulnerable with others. Have real conversation in a world that wants us to live and present blindly.

I guess I’ll end here.. for now.

*In case it isn’t clear, this post is not welcoming a debate on genocide vs. war, or the involvement of the U.S.