A Journal October 30 2020

I am attempting to write this post with a wrist brace on my right hand. About 2 months ago I started experiencing the pain in both hands. My fingers would cramp up, and soon it became difficult to hold a hairbrush or turn a doorknob. I cut the ends off of compression socks and made thumb holes, sleeping with them on my hands just about every night or paying for it the next day. 22 years old with carpal tunnel symptoms- fun! One connection I made was that the pain got worse after increasing my nightmare medication. I decided to go off the meds, choosing the use of my hands over not having as many nightmares. For some reason the pain in my left hand disappeared, but my right hand has still been a problem.

It took a little too long before making the connection that months ago I fell on the beach- a very Haley moment- chasing someone’s plastic bag that was going into the ocean. I went all “save the turtles” and wiped out on the sand falling hands first. Laughing hysterically, in embarrassment, but about a week later ta-dah the pain appeared.

Why am I sharing this? I am quite stubborn when it comes to pain. Nothing beats what I experience with endometriosis, and everyone kept telling me “what if you fractured your wrist and don’t even know it!”

And honestly- I was avoiding the doctors. I have been avoiding a lot of things. My life has become the same old, zoom classes, online therapy, week after week. I get my groceries delivered, my prescriptions, and because I have been isolating more I am triggering old social anxieties where I felt safer being inside. Safer, but not happier.

I took a big step one week where I was really struggling. I reached out to several people to express what I was going through. I was also proud of myself for shooting one of my professors an email that I was struggling emotionally and it was difficult to keep up with my coursework. I asked her if we could chat soon and she sent me about 5 times within that week where we could have a video call. I was not expecting to open up to her as much as I did, but she made me feel comfortable enough to do so. I truly could feel that she cared about me. Our meeting was scheduled to be an hour but this professor spent a little over 2 hours on a Zoom call with me. We did not talk much about class, but more so about the depression and trauma I was healing and how I can best take care of myself.

“When was the last time you looked in the mirror and told yourself you love yourself?”

“What brings you joy?”

She reminded me that as important it is to do the trauma processing in therapy, it is important to have a balance. To have things in my week that bring me joy as well. Treating myself with love, and speaking to myself with love will attract more good coming my way.

Let me say, at the end of the call she commented on how I was smiling again. I sent that lady a long email thanking her. It was just what I needed. All because I was honest about how I was doing, and reached out for help. Someone gave me a hand.

I also had an appointment that same day with a holistic chiropractor where I had some alignment exercises, but also much needed energy work which awakened the spiritual side to myself I had been shoving down for quite a while.

I slept like a baby that night, had more energy that next day, and was back to using my crystals, candles, epsom salt, and gratitude journaling.

I finally brought myself to an orthopedic doctor and got an x-ray. Thankfully, no broken bones, but because my wrist does not bend as it should I will be needing physical therapy starting the next few weeks.

I haven’t been doing so great. I am getting by, but there are weeks I physically feel sick with stress and cannot make it on to my class without crying with my camera off. I have had several medication adjustments which has made me more emotional as it feels worse before it feels better. Sometimes I text my psychiatrist during the week, even after we had our 2 sessions. I still have some pretty violent nightmares, and though sometimes I am feeling good and can celebrate going days without tears, I have other days where I feel drawn to my high school unhealthy coping mechanisms and I really have to distract myself and remind myself I am not 17 years old anymore.

I have also spent more money on psychic readings this year than I want to admit. But I am learning so much more about myself, and what I need to heal. I’m constantly searching for answers, because I’ve been feeling quite lost.

I’ve (temporarily) dyed my hair pink-ish and you know, sometimes change is a good thing when you are healing so much.

I started my role as a crisis text counselor and had positive feedback from my supervisor after my first shift, “Haley had her first shift today and totally crushed it. Haley’s texter was going through some pretty intense things and Haley remained calm and followed the stages of a convo beautifully!” I felt good.

My old buddy Paul has been “kidnapping” me almost every weekend to go on a hike.

My lovely Leo friend Stacey who did an AirBnB photo shoot with me in 2018 is doing another with me next month. Hopefully a much needed self-love and self-esteem boost!

& I am trying to muster (lol that word) the energy to turn my blog more. It was a great outlet for me when my high school self was feeling low, so hopefully I can continue to find my way back to writing again.

I am often hard on myself, thinking I could be doing more and should be feeling better than I am. I am writing this post after a long cry session, and I think that in itself is a good example of how I am able to rise above.

It is a rollercoaster, and not the fun kind, that I am dealing with. As my psychiatrist reminded me, “It’s darkest before sunrise.”

I trust that I will get there.