Learning To Embrace My Tears
I cry a lot, and I have always disliked it. I cried when my mom dropped me off at preschool. I cried when I forgot my homework. I cry at songs. I cry at movies, I cry at things I wish I had that I will never have. I cry when I think about my childhood. Funerals feel debilitating to me. I also cry when I’m happy, but those are the best kind of tears.
I have been in therapy for 7 years, and with my current therapist for 4. It was not until the past few years with my therapist that I started crying in front of her. I had been so shut down from all of my emotions and they were too heavy to bear. I have C-PTSD and a load of grief. I don’t always mind crying, many times I know I need to let it all out. I do mind crying in the “wrong” places. When things had been really bad with my depression, anxiety, or trauma triggers, I would shut the door and cry in my office at work. I have cried in front of my supervisor a handful of times. I still feel so fragile when it happens.
What I have learned is that one of my strengths is that because I have experienced such pain and hurt, I am also able to experience love and joy more intensely than most people. I can’t change my sensitivity, as much as I often want to. I often feel like I struggle to fit in this world.
Not too long ago, I could not go one day without crying. I could not take it anymore, so I went back on an antidepressant. I did not cry on it, but it did not change how sad I felt. I had no way to release my feelings. I felt more numb and dissociated than I did before. I would try to cry, but I couldn’t. Antidepressants are life-savers for many, but too many have not worked for me. I now take a mood stabilizer and my lows are not as low, but I still experience a lot of grief and sadness. I learned that grief does not go away, but over time it hurts differently and becomes more bearable. I am holding out for that.
I live alone and even though I have a support system, I can feel so incredibly lonely. It is so easy to get caught up in my head. When I am home and I start to feel flooded with emotions, I write them all out. Often I bring my writing to therapy. This helps in case I am not in a position to speak about it all. My therapist will read my writing, and then we will discuss it. At home, I will also curl up in my bed, pet my cat, and allow the tears to fall and remind myself that I am safe. I had a realization that I may cry so much now, because I am releasing years and years of tears I never cried.
I used to be disappointed that a day that begins with happiness, would leave me crying in my bed at night. When I am crying, and alone, I realize that nobody else knows I am crying. Not unless I tell them.
I now know it is normal to experience more than one emotion in a day. It is ok to not be happy all of the time. I likely will always be an emotional person, but I do believe that there is so much I have already healed and so much I will continue to heal. There were too many times where I did not feel safe to feel. As much as I want to cope better with my emotions, I know I need to be patient with myself. Many people do not know my story or what I have been through. In a weird way, my tears help me to keep going. It can be hard to be a person who feels so deeply in a messy world that has expectations of who we are supposed to be.
I can be both soft and strong. When people see me at my weakest moments, it does not take away from everything I have overcome and the strength I carry every day. It does not matter what others think of me, it matters what I think of myself.