Panic and PTSD
Sometimes I can walk around with the knowledge that I have PTSD, but it doesn’t hold me back. It is a part of me, but it doesn’t always rule me.
Today, everything is harder because of my PTSD.
My last job was so chaotic and stressful. I could hardly breathe. I would pop Ativan in my car on lunch breaks, hoping I wouldn’t be crying by the time I walked back in.
I feel safe at my job now. I go into work and my day is predictable. It’s not loud, I have many supportive coworkers, and I feel confident in the work that I do. I still experience panic attacks and dissociative episodes. It doesn’t mean my job is the cause, it means that PTSD follows me where I go.
I had a panic attack at work this week. It began in the middle of a team meeting. I didn’t understand what happened. I had been fine, talking, smiling, laughing. It happened suddenly. My eyes couldn’t focus, everything was too bright, the back of my neck hurt and felt heavy, my chest was tight, my breathing was shallow. My body was working overtime, and I was exhausted. I left the meeting a few minutes early. I went into a coworkers office and burst into tears. I was supposed to be heading to another meeting with a clinician. I couldn’t collect myself in time. I couldn’t do anything. I tried to go to my supervisor for help, but the words wouldn’t come. Everything was in slow motion, my surroundings, my thoughts, my behavior. She was walking out the door, carrying her laptop and notebooks. She looked at me, asking if I needed her. “If you have a meeting it’s okay.” I said, but it took me too long to say. “Are you dissociating?” She asked. She knows this happens sometimes. “I’m starting to.” She told me to go home. She told me to go home because I have become so dissociated before that I am unable to drive. It is better to catch it before it gets worse, while I’m still somewhat present.
It wasn’t my fault. It was out of my control. Still, I drove home with so much embarrassment. Embarrassed about the meeting I had to cancel last minute, embarrassed that this has happened at work more than once. I don’t like not knowing things, and I didn’t know how to prevent this. I still don’t. With this, something is triggering it. I haven’t figured out what it is yet. When there is something unprocessed, my body often responds before my mind understands.
Back to today-
I had a therapy session. I walked her through the panic attack and everything that led up to it that day. I was feeling fine, until somewhere in the conversation I felt anxious. My mind floated to flashes of old memories. Her questions were harder to answer. I felt overwhelmed. Things started to look blurry again. I found my eyes getting stuck at the same part of the floor. I fought it the entire session. I used my coping skills, we took a break from that conversation, but it was hard to break out of my shutdown. I held back tears. When the session ended the tears caught up with me. It was time to leave, and it sunk in that now I would have to continue to try to pull myself out of this feeling on my own. In a weird way, I wished I had released the tears earlier while still in her presence. I wish I didn’t try to push through.
My therapist told me her next patient wasn’t coming in for 45 minutes, so I would have the waiting room all to myself. She offered me tea, and let me stay until I was comfortable to drive home. This has happened before, and I appreciate her for this. I cried in the waiting room, and tried to bring myself back to the present. Within 20 minutes I heard someone coming and I darted from the waiting room.
During the drive home I was still struggling. I had planned to stop for gas on the way back, but at this point I just wanted to go home.
Now at home, I changed into comfy clothes. I made ramen noodles, climbed in bed, and put on Grey’s Anatomy (as if that will make me less emotional).
Sometimes I just need to dissociate into something else. I guess Grey’s Anatomy isn’t the worse thing. Feeling sad, or feeling empathy, is still feeling something.
I have been tracking my panic attacks with a timeline. I looked back at text messages where I mentioned a panic attack or dissociative episode. I wrote down the dates and times and what was going on. 8 days since November, not including the ones I don’t remember. Majority were on Tuesdays, and then Thursdays. What is it about Tuesdays? Why do the attacks usually happen after 3pm?
It’s frustrating to not know what is happening inside me. My therapist reminded me that eventually we always figure it out. I want to say a sarcastic “great”, but it’s not a bad thing. She is right. My pattern is usually that things eventually make sense. I will figure out the trigger, I will understand what my body is telling me.
Dear Me,
A) Don’t hate your body, don’t place judgement on your feelings.
B) Let your body do its thing, don’t fight it, care for it.
