Why is Self-Acceptance So Hard?
When I was young I developed this habit where I would close my eyes really tight when I thought of something I didn’t want to remember. Most of the time, it was related to something I said or did that embarrassed me, or how someone else at school treated me.
At this point in my life there is nobody bullying me but myself. I sometimes find myself straining my eyes closed at my work desk when I’m feeling hard on myself. In front of me are all of these positive messages from my friends/coworkers, but in these moments I’m too absorbed in my shame to look.
I wrote this in a support group recently:
“All of my life I have felt like an alien, like I don’t fit in this world or among others. And I’m realizing after my late-diagnosis that I still have those feelings among the autistic community. Can anyone relate to this? I have people I can relate to, and yet, I feel like I don’t belong. I wish I could stop seeing “there’s nobody else like me” as a bad thing.”
I received many comments from people confirming that they feel the same way. It was reassuring to know that I wasn’t alone in this, but I’m also a problem-solver and it has bothered me that I haven’t figured out how to change this within myself.
I read positive quotes, I write myself letters to build myself up, I attend therapy, I surround myself with good people. How can I make self-acceptance stick in my brain?
When you’ve had this habit for so long, it’s not easy to change. I’ve made progress, and that is worth something. It helped me to understand neurodivergence because I saw myself in a new light. There was nothing wrong about me, my brain just works a different way. However, there are people who do feel and think similarly to the way I do. I don’t want those people to feel alone either.
It’s hard to feel good about myself at work sometimes. I’ve needed a lot more accommodations, and while I’m grateful to have them, I also feel like I shouldn’t have them. I feel like this is temporary and that one of these days I need to give them up. I feel like these things make me stand out, and not in a good way.
When it comes to advocating for yourself, you first have to realize you’re worthy of it. You then have to find courage to ask for it, and then you accept the ways you are accommodated. I believe there is another piece to this. There is guilt, there is imposter syndrome, internalized ableism, and comparing yourself to everyone else.
This year I made progress in recognizing, “this is why this is hard for me!” instead of “why can’t I do this?” When I compare myself to others, or struggle at work, I hear the voice again that says “you should-”. “you should be able to do this” “you should suck it up” etc etc.
Haley! Be kinder! Haley, give yourself grace! Haley, it’s ok to be exactly how you are.
When things are hard, it doesn’t always mean I have to change. It might just mean I have to accept those parts of me.
Recently I celebrated 150 days of no added sugar. That was something that was entirely self-determination and the work began in my mind. Sometimes you have to want something badly enough before you can make a change happen. If I was able to make the commitment to quit sugar, it has to be possible to attain more self-acceptance and self-compassion. I know it isn’t that simple to make it happen overnight. I know I might not be able to do this entirely on my own.
I may feel different, and I may always feel that way, but it doesn’t mean that everyone else is completely ordinary. Everyone has their gifts and struggles and not all are visible. Mine are visible to me. At the end of day, I’m the one at my desk with my eyes tightly closed. I’d like to leave them open a bit longer.
