Small Fear is Just as Big

The things that scare me don’t always make sense compared to the things that don’t scare me at all.

I have traveled to another country alone- no fear.

I have been in a shark cage- no fear.

I have walked alone at night- no fear

I’ve gone deep in the woods by myself- no fear.

This past weekend I was reminded that some of my oldest anxieties can still creep up on me. Aly and I were going for a quick ride to grab lunch, but first we were stopping at the grocery store. Grocery stores are really overwhelming for me. The overwhelm often has to do with my chronic illness and fatigue, but it also has to do with being a highly sensitive person (HSP). The lights, the people; it just feels like too much. I always leave a big store and feel like I need a nap after. I was the only one who wanted food, so I told Aly, “I’ll just see what they have for pasta salads instead so we don’t have to make another stop.” I walked to the deli and stood in between two women and their shopping carts to look through the glass. I saw one of my favorite pasta salads, but I looked to my right and saw more people waiting. Too many people. Suddenly the lights were too much for me. I did not know where to grab a ticket, and I did not want to walk in front of anyone to grab it. I am not even sure if I would call it social anxiety, but I was definitely scared. I gave up. I walked away and told Aly never mind. She had no idea that I did want it, but just could not do it.

Aly could tell something was wrong, and the more she asked the more tense I became. She asked, “what did I do?” I told her she did not do anything at all. I did not want to talk about it because I was embarrassed, mad at myself, and I wanted to cry.

Leaving the grocery store, Aly gave me the time I needed before I told her. I took a breath, “I was too afraid to order the pasta salad and I did not want to tell you because I knew you would offer to do it for me.” She asked why I did not tell her and I started to hold back more tears. “It is just embarrassing.” She assured me it wasn’t embarrassing, and offered to turn around and get me the pasta salad. At that point it wasn’t about the pasta salad anymore. I just wished something that simple did not leave me so fearful. I had the same anxiety before when ordering a grinder (yes I did just call it a grinder, I’m from Connecticut). When there are too many toppings to order, including “toasted” or what kind of bread..I choose to order a slice of pizza instead. Aly has ordered one for me before, and even though she does not mind, I did not want her to ask for my pasta salad too.

I don’t understand it. I can order at other places, no problem. It guess it depends on the environment or my sensitivities that day. I have not entirely figured it out. I have done a lot of work through the years on accepting myself. I know that I am different from people in a lot of ways, and I am trying not to see those things as flaws. Sometimes I wonder if everyone sees the world as I do. I wonder if everyone’s eyes feel like mine, or if their head feels like mine. I wonder if others ask themselves if they are really here. I often want answers as to why I am the way that I am, or what could be “wrong” with me. At the end of the day, I would not change most things about myself. It is not fair to feel like I need to change to fit in this world, fit in my workplace, fit in society. Part of my healing is understanding that I may not always “fit” and that I am not supposed to. Others can accept me for who I am, and I can accept myself too.

Fear and anxiety does not make anyone feel good. As much as I want to make sense of why I am uncomfortable at times, it is not about figuring it out. It is about being gentle with myself, and not hating myself for how I may respond. This isn’t just about a pasta salad. This is about sitting in the wrong room in 6th grade and being too afraid to walk out in case someone asked. This is about being asked by my mom in high school “how will you be able to handle college if you can’t walk into a gas station and pay?” This is about shutting down in public places while my friends were having fun. This is about the many, many times I have been hard on myself for feeling overwhelmed when nobody around me is.

I admit this is odd that this post was inspired by a grocery store pasta salad, but I promised myself I would be real on this site. This is as real as I can be.

There are so many things I have overcome. There are so many things that used to be hard for me that are not anymore. There are so many times I will do something despite it being hard for me and I will say, “I did that.” Still, there will be times I cannot do something. If I can’t do it in that moment, it does not mean I never can.

2020, tackling my fear of heights in South Africa