Aloha Oahu, I'm Home

When I studied abroad in Oahu the summer of 2018, I did not know how much I would fall in love with this island. The sun on my skin, the ocean, the new friends and connections, my time at the university, small aspects of daily joy that were making me feel right at home when my home was really far away. I did not identify with my socially anxious self, my depressed self, and I felt comfortable in my skin. I felt confident. I do believe that places and environments can bring out the best in you, and Hawaii did that for me.

Leaving the first time, left me in a puddle of tears. Crying in the shuttle to the airport, crying in the airport bathroom, crying on the plane until I fell asleep from crying so much. I tried to remember things to look forward to about going back home, but if I could, if I really could have- I would have stayed.

The first time I went to Hawaii was less than a year after I brought a coworker to court for sexual assault, and during the time my college closed to due financial problems. It was the perfect time to focus on me, and focus on healing.

Since my return from Hawaii, I have been challenged. Transferring schools, changing jobs, moving into my first apartment, being diagnosed with endometriosis during an exploratory surgery, and hospitalized a 2nd time for my mental health. These things could have very well occurred in Hawaii, but there were many days I wished I had the weather to pull me out of my seasonal depression, and the mountain hikes, and beaches not being so far away on days I need some extra “self care.”

It was impossible to keep Hawaii off my mind. Stickers on my laptop, photos in my bedroom, and the memories to fall asleep to. When it became time to start applying to graduate schools I knew I had to apply to Hawaii Pacific University, the same school I attended that summer of 2018. When I received my acceptance, the decision was going to be harder than I thought it would be. I knew Hawaii would always be there, but this opportunity would not be. It took many big conversations with my parents, weighing out the options of staying in Boston where everything was familiar, or challenging myself to take on something new. Many times I agreed I would stay in Boston, but it was always with glossy eyes or a shed of a tear. My step-father could see it, turning to mom, “she chooses Hawaii.” It was written all over me, and it had been for several years. Now was the part where I said yes, where I had to take the leap, and make it happen.

With COVID-19 bursting many bubbles, “what-if” became a frequent saying of mine. I planned for the “what-if I can’t go.” I waited until the very last second to book a flight, waiting to see if the school would change its plans. To our surprise, they changed the summer courses to online, but insisted the fall semester would remain on-campus as HI continues to have the lowest cases of any state.

June 29, 2020, I started my morning with a 6:30am flight from Hartford -> Dallas --> to Honolulu!

mask provided by Nana!

Packing was a challenge! I stuck to my goal of 2 checked bags, and the days leading up to the flight I was wrapping kitchen items in bubble wrap and getting boxes ready to ship out the rest!

After a long travel day I arrived in Oahu, and before I knew it I was in an Uber headed to the student apartments.

These past 2 weeks I have been in quarantine. That means I have not left my apartment, I have not been outside in 14 days! Hawaii is strict with the quarantine order, as they should be! People are getting arrested for breaking quarantine when they fly into Hawaii, so nope it was not worth it for me to risk it! The first week in quarantine was not bad at all. I ordered my groceries in, I got settled, I rested from travel and tried to adjust to the time zone as best as I could.

By the second week, I was getting more anxious to leave! I love my me-time, but this has been a lot of me-time! I began my first graduate course which is online for the summer session. The first day was a success, I enjoyed getting to know my professor and the other social work students in my cohort. When it was over, I had a smile on my face and wanted to call my mom almost like it was the first day of kindergarten. I just knew I made the right decision, and that is an amazing feeling. I am more looking forward to continuing my courses on-campus come the end of August.

On the 13th, finally my two weeks of quarantine were over, and I spent my first day on the beach building a new connection, and a mean sunburn!

I just feel so grateful. I am grateful to be here. I am grateful for the journey that led me here. I am grateful for the confidence I have been building piece by piece.

I am ready for what’s ahead,

even if it includes purchasing a lot more sunscreen and even more aloe vera.