Guilt After Going No Contact

I said a strong statement the other day. I told my therapist that this feels a lot worse than when *insert a past trauma*. I really can’t compare the two. I wasn’t saying that my trauma wasn’t bad, but this was the best way I could describe how awful I feel. I told my therapist that the emotional pain is so bad, so intense, and the stress it is creating feels crippling.

“It’s hard to like myself right now.”

Well, there it is.

Guilt.

In my post about what I learned this Christmas, I wrote, “There is a difference between feeling guilty, as in I’m doing something wrong VS. this is a really difficult decision and I’m sad I have to make it, but it is the right one for me.”

I may learn these things, but I need to consistently remind myself of them.

I tell myself, “You do not have a reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong.” It is so hard to believe it sometimes.

I have never experienced guilt like this before. I’ve always tried to do the good thing, the right thing. I’ve always tried to do the thing that will not hurt someone else. Is this what true guilt feels like? Turns out you can feel guilt even when you have not done a bad thing or made a mistake. I feel guilty about doing the right thing.

There are physical symptoms of guilt. I have had shooting neck pain and a headache for over a week. I am having trouble sleeping, and when I do I am having disturbing nightmares. I always have had nightmares, but they went away for a while, only now to return. Thinking about my situation can trigger nausea so badly that a couple times in the past week I have put a trash can at the side of my bed. My appetite is poor. My PTSD symptoms have returned, and I will find myself shaking under the covers. My chest will hurt. I will start to cry, not always because I am sad, but because physically I feel so terrible. My stomach is out of whack; I have been using a heating pad because of the pain. I ask myself if this will get easier. Is this happening because everything is still fresh? What if I physically feel worse and worse?

Guilt. This is all because of guilt. Guilt for text messages I have not replied to. Guilt for Christmas gifts I have not retrieved or exchanged. I have been turning to online support forums, friends, my therapist, reading quotes, over and over again asking if I really am doing the right thing. Is my body responding because this is new and change is scary, or because it is telling me it truly does not want this? I listened to my body when it told me I needed to go no contact, and now I’m listening to my body as it tells me how hard no contact truly is.

This is how I’ve grown up. I have always chosen my own hurt, my own discomfort, to avoid the conflict that comes with saying, “no.” I have been told I am “too nice.” So here I am, doing the opposite of what I have done my whole life. Here I am, putting myself first over my family. Here I am, feeling like I am bad. I feel like a kid, who has done a bad thing.

I have been reading a book regarding no contact and unhealthy family dynamics. One of the things I learned is the difference between abandonment and no contact. Without this understanding, comes guilt. One of the paragraphs states, “Instead of viewing our decision as ignoring them or abandoning them, we can look at it from the vantage point that we have simply changed the form of the relationship we share with them.” “The relationship is silent and ordered rather than chaotic.” (Excerpt from But It’s Your Family..Sherrie Campbell)

It doesn’t mean I don’t think about them. I do, a lot. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. It means that right now, I am protecting myself.

I don’t know what the future will hold. Maybe within this year I will open contact again. Maybe this will happen sooner than intended. Maybe I will reach a place of acceptance, enforce stricter boundaries than what I had before, and have low contact rather than none. Perhaps I can open a door for low communication, and still avoid all holidays and family gatherings. I’ve tried this, so maybe it is not possible. Maybe this will deny me of peace. However, maybe I can do it. Whatever decision I make, I don’t want it to be out of guilt, fear, or sadness. I want to make the decision knowing I will create peace within myself. I want to make the decision without hoping things will change. Maybe there doesn’t need to be an all or nothing.

I never believed it was OK to do the back and forth of opening and closing the door. I might have held on to this belief because I thought it was annoying or confusing for them. I told myself it would be harder for them to truly understand what they did wrong. What I am learning during this period of no contact, is that their feelings are not for me to worry about. If or when I’m ready, I can open or crack open that door with the intention of knowing that once I am disrespected, or manipulated again, the door will close for however long I want it to.

I know that in the past, opening the door only led to disappointment and hurt again. I am reminding myself I have choices, and that nothing has to be permanent. Knowing this, makes it easier to breathe. It can be a mental workout- having thoughts of guilt and self-doubt, to then try and think rationally about things. I have been learning to stop myself when I hear thoughts of self-doubt, and challenge it. When I am unable to do this, or the thoughts get too loud, it helps me to talk it through with someone else.

This period of no contact is bringing up hurt, but there would still be hurt if there was contact. Right now, I recognize how much good I am also gaining from this. I am learning a lot about myself, and the unhealthy situations I no longer want to put myself in. I am learning how to give myself what I deserve. What I am doing is crucial, not just for my wellbeing, but for my growth.

It has been 1 month. Crap, it has been 1 month as of today. When I first stopped responding, when I first put my foot down, I anticipated the worst. What if someone dies? What if something really bad happens? Certainly shit has hit the fan this past month, and certainly people have been upset. However, I can take a breath and look out the window and say to myself, “see, the world didn’t implode.” “You don’t feel safe, but you are.”

When I chose to leave graduate school, my program director told me my decision was not a reflection of failure, but a success, as it was a healthy decision I was making for myself.

I believe the same can apply to this.

I will not feel guilty for choosing to be healthy.