Questions and Contradictions
It is a new year. I said that I wanted to try and write about new things. I always say this. I end up realizing that it is OK to write about where I am at, and not pressure myself to write by pushing myself where I want to be. My posts may be more gray and gloomy lately, but I have to ride this wave. No matter how long it lasts.
“What if I become more like someone else and then more things change, or people don’t like me the same?”
This is an old fear. I was reminded that historically the evidence has been that the right people seem to like me, flaws and all.
I was complimented recently for being an independent thinker. This is a good thing, but it doesn’t always feel like a good thing. The problem with going against what others expect you to do, is that people don’t like you as much.
I joked to a friend that I needed to go to Bitch School. Bitch University; taking a course in Bitch 101.
I was joking. The goal is not for me to become a bitch, but I do want to worry less about becoming somebody I would not want to be. I grew up believing that if I stood up for myself, I was being a bitch. I was told that I was. I am afraid of changing in a negative way. Instead of this “what if” I would like to ask myself “what if I change into someone I really like?”
There are 3 specific parts of me who are coming to the forefront lately. There is someone older, who wants to do good, but gets too caught up in her feelings. There is someone who is angry and feels incredibly misunderstood and unimportant. There is also someone younger, who is a bit naive, and surprised that nothing is how she imagined it was. There is another part that I can’t name right now. I believe this is the part that is in the process of changing and becoming.
Lately I have been asking myself in different situations which part of me is showing itself. Sometimes I am feeling all of those things at once and everything becomes clouded. It has been helpful to notice this when everything feels mixed up. I am able to say, “Oh okay this is coming from this, and this is coming from this. No wonder I am confused!”
I am feeling so good and also so terrible. I am feeling good about the space I have created, and I am feeling a bit more peace. I am also feeling terrible because I feel like I am disappearing. I know I wrote about this in a recent post. Everything feels harder because of this dissociation/depersonalization. I tend to confuse dissociation with depression. I know it would make sense if I was feeling both of them. Maybe I don’t even have to name it.
At times where I am struggling, I have to treat it the same as I would a physical sickness, or my arthritis. I have to take extra care of myself, and right now I am dragging my feet.
My work is so close, but driving feels exhausting. I have to work harder to focus whether it is remembering conversations, eye contact, where I am going, where I came from. When I meet with people at work I want to be 100% present with them, but I worry they will also recognize I am different. I wish I wasn’t working right now. I wish I had a break from more in life, not just certain people. I also know that working is helping me to get out of my head a bit.
I feel incredibly lonely and alone. Just because I have less people who are there for me right now, does not mean that those who are there for me are not making a difference. Those who are there for me at this time are helping me without even trying to “make it better.” It also would make sense that I feel alone, because I feel less connected to myself. I am trying so hard to feel present again. I worry that if I push myself out of how my body is choosing to heal, the pain will be unbearable.
Most of my writing lately has sounded like one big contradiction. I am sorting out my feelings, my opinions, my understanding. It sounds so simple, but I’m not sure people can truly understand how overwhelming this feels. I need to accept that some people just can’t understand. I can’t blame them. I just want clarity. I want things to start making sense. I also wonder if I am asking these questions because I am already on my way to things making sense.
If that makes sense..
