Neuropsych testing in 20's

I realized that my brain might be more different then I believed… (and that’s OK)

About a year ago I became curious if I had something wrong with me. I didn’t mean “wrong” as in personally flawed. By “wrong” I meant that I knew I was struggling and wanted to know why. I struggled in school as a child. I loved writing, but reading was hard. I could read at a good pace, I could pronounce and understand words, but I struggled to comprehend words when they were organized together. If I read a paragraph and then was asked what I just read, I wouldn’t know. Once I finished a sentence it had left my brain. With standardized testing, when it came to reading I would lose track, get distracted, and circle random bubbles in the multiple choice answers. My 4th grade teacher even reported to my mom that I drew lines and connected the dots.

In 6th or 7th grade I was put in a special reading class when all of my friends were assigned to take Spanish. I honestly enjoyed that class because it came easy to me, we didn’t have homework, and it was a smaller class so I felt comfortable to participate more.

I did well in school, but school never came easy to me. I loved writing (of course) and creative assignments, but I needed to work extra hard in many other areas. I felt like I took longer than my peers to understand things. I was not a good test-taker, I often forgot my homework, and I would cry because I felt so badly about myself.

My grades weren’t bad, I was well-behaved, and so I went under the radar for most of my teachers. Nobody could see how much I was truly struggling and how much harder I had to work. When they did see me struggling, they misunderstood what was happening. My teachers thought I was just shy and anxious, but they didn’t know why I had so much anxiety. My brain was working overtime.

Years later, I went to college, I was on the Dean’s list, I graduated on time. I needed support at times, and some tutors, but I did OK. Still, there were other ways I have struggled throughout my life that nobody seemed to understand. I would get overwhelmed with bright lights, loud noises, and have trouble following conversations when too many people were talking at once. I would get so overwhelmed at social gatherings I would shut down and get spacey. I have explained this away to be trauma-related, but I believe it was more than that. I didn’t realize how much sensory struggles I had until much later.

There is this thing called “masking” and I believe it is what I have done my entire life. I have struggled with eye contact, but would force myself to do it so I didn’t look rude. I never threw tantrums over my sensory struggles, I just held my discomfort inside. I didn’t ask for help in school, because I believed I “should” just be able to do what was expected of me.

I grew up in a chaotic environment, so while my body was always in fight or flight, it was understandable I didn’t take time to really reflect on things that were hard for me. I always just pushed through. My jobs following school were always stressful as well. I worked in busy restaurants, and then a psych hospital. I didn’t have “think time” I just had to dive right in.

until I got my dream job…

Almost 2 years ago I got a job that has been perfect for me. It is fairly predictable, it is supportive, and my body feels at peace at work. I love what I do, which consists of supporting adults at a mental health clinic. While the most important parts of my job I seem to excel at, I found myself struggling in other areas. I have been struggling in team meetings. I have trouble following the flow of conversations. When a question is asked I realize I take longer than others to process my thoughts. By the time I go to share, the conversation will move along or my voice will be drowned by others. I had this huge realization. I always thought my struggle in groups was due to social anxiety, but I think it has more to do with my processing speed. I either cannot judge when to chime in, or I lose my thoughts before I speak them. I started participating in virtual meetings by writing my thoughts through the Zoom chat. Writing comes easier to me, and my thoughts feel more structured. I was finding myself having a huge drop in self-esteem following these meetings. I have so many things to share, but either I can’t or I am afraid to because I worry it will not make sense. I would be called on which made me panic inside as well. I know people were trying to include me, but I couldn’t gather my thoughts as quickly. I would force myself to say anything so I didn’t look bad, and then I would be overthinking whatever it was I had said. Even if others told me I had made sense, it didn’t matter to me. I knew that still wasn’t the way I wanted to say it.

This isn’t the only reason why team meetings are hard. The office lights can be so hard on my eyes that it would give me panic attacks and sensory overload. I went to an eye doctor thinking my sensitivity to light had to do with that, but he said my eyes were fine. I bought these light sensitivity glasses meant for indoor & outdoors, and for a while I was ashamed to wear them at work. People think they’re sunglasses. I had to get over the fear of what others will think and I needed to accommodate myself. My anxiety dissipated once I wore them, because I was much more comfortable.

My therapist wondered if I have ADHD or a sensory processing disorder. She explained that maybe that is why I struggle in meetings, and that people with ADHD can also struggle with sensory things.

At one point in the year my supervisor introduced us to this new way of charting on Excel. I couldn’t understand her template, so I made my own chart. She told me there was a reason why I needed to use hers, and this overwhelmed me. I would stare at it for weeks. She explained it so many times and I just didn’t understand. It was making me irritable and angry. I wasn’t angry with her, she truly wanted to help me. I was angry at myself. I felt like a little kid who was frustrated that they couldn’t do something. I got so upset to the point of throwing a book in my office, behind closed doors. Was this a processing thing? A struggle with transitions when I had been used to a certain way of doing things? I realized that all of these ways I struggled as a child in school were showing up for me in my adult full-time job.

steps to neuropsychological testing..

At first I was told there was no need to get a neuropsych evaluation as an adult. I later heard that many seek it as an adult (even very very late in life) because they did not receive the right support as a child and it stayed with them. For some, getting answers later in life improved their self-esteem, helped them to understand their strengths and weaknesses, and find ways to support themselves now in life. While I can’t go back in time, this felt important to me to get more answers now. I am open to receiving a diagnosis, whether it is ADHD, or a learning disability. I know that some things shouldn’t be this hard, and I owe it to myself to get some answers so that I can stop being so hard on myself for struggling to meet my own expectations.

My therapist referred me to a neuropsychologist who also believed that I likely have a disability of some kind. I went through 3 days of hours-long testing with her. Before testing, the neuropsychologist gathered an entire history. One of my concerns and confusions is that because I have PTSD, symptoms can overlap with other disabilities. This woman had a great understanding of trauma and did separate evaluations to determine which symptoms can be related to trauma, and which could have been an existing developmental disability.

The tests were extensive and some were easier than others. There were tests that induced panic in me, and several times I had to pause to calm my tears and nervous system. I could hear the same voice in my head that has been there all of my life, “this shouldn’t be this hard!” The woman also recognized that I would go into freeze response, and that some things I really did know but would have trouble thinking when overwhelmed. She also picked up on the fact that I struggle with self-doubt immensely, to where I was comfortable saying “I don’t know” instead of giving a wrong answer. She encouraged me to take a guess. When I got the answer right, she gave me a look that implied see, you can do this! She said, “I’m starting to figure you out!”

These tests aren’t fun. It may sound cool to be able to get an evaluation of how your brain works and to be given some challenges, but it’s serious. It’s long days and it’s hard to transition from one test to another. I was incredibly burnt, and emotionally exhausted for the rest of the day.

The neuropsychologist included one last test which was for ASD. This is something I never told anyone I had been curious about for the past several years. There are many myths and stereotypes of an autistic experience, but they call it a spectrum for a reason. I have learned that autism is incredibly under diagnosed, especially in women and girls because it presents differently than it does in boys.

One of the neuropsychologists other assumptions throughout the testing was that I may have an auditory processing disorder. When I read about it online, I did resonate to it in many ways.

I have been waiting over a month for my results, but I appreciate how thorough my provider is being. She has to analyze every piece of data and write a full report.

I’m proud of myself for doing it, but now is the waiting game. I’m trying to tell myself that if I do receive a diagnosis or a new name for things, it is just for the purpose of getting the right support! This is a positive thing, not a negative thing. In a way it is kind of emotional. I wish I did this as a child. I think it could have prevented years of school anxiety and wondering what’s wrong with me. Perhaps I wouldn’t have seen it as something being wrong with me, but have seen it as, this is why this happens! There are ways to support and nurture your inner child as an adult. This is one thing I’m doing for little Haley, but also the person I am today. My supervisor is understanding and willing to work with me if I need any accommodations. Aside from work, I need to stop masking as well. I will always try my best, but I need to stop pretending to be someone who is confident and comfortable all the time. I need to start unmasking, and become confident saying, “this is what I need.”

But first, I have to learn what that is.

Stay tuned!