opening contact after going no contact

Estrangement: There is no right way to do it

Months ago I made a decision to go no contact with a family member. I was grieving and the heartbreak was so intense I was physically sick and sobbing daily for over a month. It was my choice, but it still was excruciating. I could not listen to a song that reminded me of them. I would watch a show that we both love and wish I could talk about it with them. I would have a great day at work and want to give them a call. It just wasn’t worth the unhealthy cycles and how many times it prevented my own healing.

I wrote about this before, so I am not going to make that the focus of this post. This post is about opening contact.

Months ago I told myself I was going to eliminate all contact with the possibility that things could change down the road. I did not have a specific time in mind. The decision was intended to be a “forever.” This was all dependent on if the boundary would be respected, if changes would occur, and when I would open the door on my own terms.

There is no right way to go no contact. Likewise, there is no right way to open contact.

Recently I opened that door. It started with cracking open that door. It felt like putting my foot in water to see if my toe would get bit off. It began with a situation where I had no choice to open contact in a serious matter. I made it clear that speaking in that moment didn’t mean everything would be back to “normal” now. Not that anything was normal before..

In the early months of cutting contact, my boundary was not respected, but months went by and I noticed the silence finally became consistent. They proved to me that they would give me my space, and my guilt and grief diminished. I could go on with my life a bit easier.

A big change happened not too long ago. I reached out willingly to acknowledge a holiday even though I wasn’t attending. At first I felt guilty. Notice how I was guilty for cutting contact, and then I became guilty for opening contact? I was worried I was betraying myself, but I started to see it with a new perspective. This was different. I was making this choice on my terms, the same way I chose to cut contact. I was making this choice knowing this person understood that they had to earn a place in my life, and understood that I will do what I need to do going forward.

This person surprised me when they did not guilt-trip me for my absence. They never brought up the holidays I missed or made the focus on their emotions. They simply appreciated that I was talking to them in that moment. It has nothing to do with reward or punishment, but for lack of better words it taught them that respecting my boundaries is all I ask for. If they did that, I would show them they could have even a small place in my life.

Where we are at now: There is still a distance between us. I saw them recently and it wasn’t as hard as I thought. I didn’t avoid them, we were civil, we were communicating, but it felt very appropriate and boundaried. Things still feel distant, there is a clear separation, but in a good way. I see it more as I have my life and they have theirs. This is working for us. I feel content.

This person also communicated to me how during the no contact, they did a lot of reflecting. It didn’t seem like times before where I received an apology and then they would do the same hurting again. Again, this wasn’t about punishment, but by cutting them out, I gave them the time to look inward. They were unable to do this when I was still present.

Life is messy and I kind of had to live in gray.

I couldn’t see it this way at first, but I needed to tell myself that if I resumed communicating with them, it didn’t mean that I was weak or I don’t have willpower, or that I am absolving them of their actions. I also needed to tell myself the opposite, that eliminating all contact didn’t make me a bad person.

I guess I needed to make a conscious decision which said, “you know, I am going to maintain these relationships in whatever way makes sense or works for me.”

If I live on this little island of good, and it’s because I need it, then I don't think that it has to mean all of those other things.

Once I felt more confident in my own ability to set an emotional (and physical) boundary, it hasn’t been as hard or scary to interact with them, because I know that they’re not going to be able to move the core of me.

How I lived the past months was where I was at right there and then. This is where I am right now. It doesn’t mean there is a permanent change. It simply means I have proved to myself that I can set and maintain boundaries, I can express and believe my worth, but despite it not being easy I will be OK.

Every relationship and story is different. This is my story about one person, where my stories with others I have lost contact with are different. This is why there is no “right” way to go no contact. Going no contact is about what is right for you as an individual based on your experience. I am still exploring what this means for me, but I do know no matter what I must give myself grace for wherever I am at.