Pride Month: My Coming Out Story
Oh hey, I’m gay! Or queer. Or a lesbian. Or part of the LGBTQ+ community. Honestly, I’m still playing around with what labels fit me best, but news is I ain’t straight. I’ve been told I don’t necessarily have to label myself, and that’s a comfort, but I think the more confident and comfortable I get being out and proud this will come naturally. For now, I am most confident in saying I like girls! I like people! I love who I love.
I want to share my coming out story. It’s June, it’s Pride Month, and I haven’t written about this yet!
My story will include my first girl/girl relationship, because dating her was what prompted me to come out in the first place. As of April 2020 we have broken up. I won’t get into that much either, other than that I initiated it, it was not easy what-so-ever. Our breakup was messy, and definitely a heartbreak. I cried for a long long time, and I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take to not feel that way. I’m 21, and this was the first heartbreak I’ve ever had. Broken hearts are the worst. Relationships are hard. But I learned a lot from this. I am growing more as a person, and figuring out who I am because of this.
Most recent Instagram post from 06/12/2020:
“My first lgbt related post, as just me! My first pride month newly-out is interesting that’s for sure, but it doesn’t mean less.
I fell in love and had a meaaan heartbreak all within the year I came out and dated a girl for the first time. It was all messy and complicated and wonderful and everything else. Relationships can be worthwhile even if they don’t give you everything you need. Do you ever forget your first love as a baby gay? Probably not!
In coming out, it was hard to navigate the pressures of labeling myself as bi/lesbian/pan. I was still figuring things out. I didn’t want to define myself in a box, and the best way I could explain it to my family was that I just love who I love.
I look forward to continue navigating being comfortable in my skin, and refusing to hold myself back from loving who I am and who I love! Coming out, for me, has looked like baby steps, and walking on eggshells. I still have some family who don’t know I like girls, and I’m still nervous as hell for when/if they do!
Though it feels like the end of the world when people have trouble accepting me, the people who do are the important ones in my journey, and changing myself for others will not result in my own happiness.
Being open and honest is how I want to roll, and my goal is to become more vocal + educated in the LGBTQ+ community, and be more confident in my belonging. This month, I’ve also been taking the time to learn more about the Stonewall riots, where pride originated. Queer and transgender black people and people of color protested and advocated for the rights of this community, paving the way for more to live and speak our truth and keep doing the work!! No, it wasn’t always a party. Still, there’s a long way to go.
I am still coming out of my shell, but I have much appreciation for the strong community to grow with. & a big thanks to @allieandsam for being a big influence in my decision to come out last year, your t-shirts are just another way I could show appreciation for you both! (Link to snag your own is in their bio)
Thank y’all for accepting me, as me.❤️”
I came out in August of 2019. I did not just surprise my family by telling them I liked girls, I surprised them by telling them I also had a girlfriend. Though my mom said all the right things, that she loved me no matter what, and wants me happy- I could tell this was not going to be easy for her. Growing up in a mostly-republican family, a small town with very little gay representation, getting others to understand was going to be my biggest challenge.
In meeting my girlfriend, my mom was great, but she made it very clear that if we were to hold hands and such, she wasn’t sure she was “ready for that.” This hurt, but I knew it would all happen little by little and I needed to trust her process as well. The first time she saw a photo of us together, hugging each other, she said it was a little too “snuggly.” I sent her a similar picture of me hugging my best friend. “Is this too snuggly too?” Though she wasn’t blatantly unsupportive or homophobic, I could sense her discomfort, and that made it all the more difficult for me and our mother-daughter relationship.
I came out little by little to other family members and the reactions were all very different, but it was a good thing! My aunt and uncle were instantly supportive, surprised, but very happy for me. My cousins each gave me a big hug and one of them expressed she “knew it!” My best friend was not super surprised- I had been questioning my sexuality for some time- and she was genuinely so happy for me.
I was most nervous to tell my brother. I sat on his floor, came right out with it. He had the most dull reaction, which honestly- was perfect. He said “Okay” maybe even “Cool” and that was that. My step-father expressed that as long as they treated me right, and I was happy he would support me loving who I love, boy or girl.
I wanted it to be private at first, I wanted to take things at my own pace. But I was so happy with this girl and I wanted to be proud of it, not hide it. About a month after dating I posted that “snuggly” photo of us to my Instagram account announcing my new relationship. I received more support than I anticipated. Though it was now out on my Instagram, my Facebook account (which was mainly extended family) was not allowed to have any mention of me being gay. It has been almost a year, and I have grandparents who still don’t know, but I am more comfortable that way. Putting it out there like this, I am risking people finding out. If they do, that’s okay, we will go from there. I am definitely cautious about the platforms and people I feel most safe sharing with.
Let’s back up a little though. The big question, how did I come to realize I liked girls?
My last relationship was when I was 16. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this guy. He treated me well, we had a good time together, but I could not see us as more than friends. I remember telling my closest friends that I questioned my sexuality when I dated him. Though I said it jokingly, I think that was a red flag. I did not date for a while after him. Mainly because I was going through a lot, and I needed to learn to love myself first before I could be in a relationship with someone else. I also was very content not being in a relationship. At least, I think I was. I’m very independent and can be happy by myself, but I also don’t know if this is what I told myself to feel better about not truly connecting with anyone. I had never been broken up with, and that’s not to say I’m amazing as hell, that’s to say I was always the one to break up with a guy first!
In college I went on dates, but did not have much luck. I thought I was just picky as hell (which I probably am too), and I also encountered a lot of assholes which lowered my interest in dating all together!
It was always in the back of my mind that I might be happier with a girl, but I never wanted to consider it. I had only ever dated guys, so I always told myself I was straight. During one of my college internships I developed a crush on another intern. They used the pronouns they/them, and though they did not identify with being female they had feminine features. This confused me. Not their identity! The fact that my brain first saw them as a “girl” and I really really liked them. I never told them, but I was feeling like a middle schooler with this crush and it was the first time I started to open up my mind to the possibility I wasn’t quite “straight” but maybe pansexual. I started exploring by switching my dating apps from guys to girls, and was playfully swiping for a while. I found girls so much easier to emotionally connect with, and so much easier for me to flirt with haha.
I met my girlfriend on an app. She messaged me that she lived in my neighborhood, and after talking for a while we planned our first date. I was open-minded. I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, I was mainly figuring things out, and really wanted a connection. When I first saw her, I honestly thought “fuck” I knew I liked her immediately. I had been used to trial and error dates, and coming up with excuses to leave early if they didn’t go well. Our date lasted into the night, I didn’t want to leave and she didn’t either. We spent almost every day together after that. I can’t explain it. It was not what I would have expected, but it just happened. We fell for each other and became comfortable together very quickly.
She never pressured me to tell my family, or to come out, but I knew I was ready when we started becoming more serious. We went from being best friends, girlfriends, to roommates within the 8/9 months we were together. My mom did come around, but there were many arguments and tear-filled conversations as well. Times she told me, “I still see you marrying a man someday.” Or “I don’t think you’re gay, I think you’re still very young to know.” I was never the lesbian stereotype, a tomboy, I never outwardly expressed crushes on girls in my younger years. She took this all and denied what I was telling her. It hurt the most, but I needed to educate her as well. She wasn’t all for us living together, she wasn’t all for her being older than me, and though she was being a protective mother, I saw it as one thing only. “It’s because she’s a girl!” She swore it wasn’t about that. It came between my relationship too. My girlfriend overheard our phone fights, and took it personally, that my family must not like her. Her family was accepting when she came out, and the fact that my family was not instantly understanding did not make sense to her. If I came out long before we started dating, things might have been different. It was certainly a challenge for our relationship because it was all very new to me, and not so much for her. Though I lived on my own, my relationship with my family was very close and they were often involved in my decisions. She grew to dislike my family because of this, seeing them only as controlling than loving, and that drove a wedge between us. My family and I don’t always see eye to eye, but I love them and they love me. Girlfriends may come and go, but my family will always be there for me.
When you’re so deeply in love with someone you can almost go blind to your other feelings. You learn to let things go, dismiss boundaries, and it can be easy to put someone before yourself. Truth is, there has to be a balance. I didn’t realize until after we broke up that we probably should had long before, that our relationship was not the healthiest, but I didn’t know until I knew. I was also committing to graduate school in Hawaii, and she really wanted to stay in Boston. We were at two very different places in our lives, and wanted different things.
I posted more openly about my identity and my coming out journey when we were dating, and with it being Pride Month I think it is a reminder to me to not feel as though I should go back into hiding who I am. My Instagram post has received a lot of love, and I couldn’t be more grateful. With so much happening in our world, my first Pride is not how I expected, but I’m still celebrating me, learning more about the LGBTQ+ community, and how I can do better. I knew that I wanted to start with sharing my story. I feel much more free, knowing I can be me, knowing I can love who I love.
Happy Pride Month, lovelies. <3
Haley
update as of June Pride 2022:
I’m almost 1 year into a wonderful, healthy, happy relationship and I could not be more confident and comfortable with my life, who I am and who I have become since coming out. My family is supportive. Her family treats me like family. What was once so new in my household, is almost “old news.” As I expected, it did not take long for my mom to come around. We both had to get to a point where we didn’t worry so much about what others might say or think. Today, it’s natural, it’s normal, it’s me. My grandparents know and are accepting and couldn’t love me less. I’m grateful for the courage I had several years ago to speak my mind and open my heart.
I enjoy rainbow dresses, and rainbow everything. I know, I know.. totally giving into the corporations, but it makes me happy. It makes me feel bright and confident and seen. I’m proud to be queer. It feels great to be able to say that.
