Reaching Out For Help When You Have Trauma

You know how people say that a part of mental health awareness is talking about it? How people with anxiety or depression keep things to themselves because they are ashamed, don’t want others to worry, or do not know how to talk about things? I have come a long way as far as being honest about my mental health and my struggles.

I have shared tough stuff with my friends and family because it helps them to understand what is going on, and it is important I have support.

One thing I keep inside all the time, is my PTSD.

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This article in The Mighty is a good example of what I go through.

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Those who care about me know about it, but I realize I always refrain from talking about it when it is bad.

My reasoning is that my trauma is always there, so when I see others I’d rather talk about other things or show them the better sides to myself. I also struggle with some things that feel taboo to talk about, so I do not want to put that on anyone else. I am also afraid that the response I will receive will not be helpful, or will further trigger me.

My therapist pointed out that she is the only person I talk about some things with, and she said, “no wonder you feel so alone with it.” I thought, she doesn’t understand. I also thought, is she thinking I am doing this to myself?

How the hell do you seek support from loved ones when you have PTSD? It is a question I am asking myself.

Why is trauma so hard to talk about? Part of being misunderstood is not giving people a chance to understand, but trauma convinces you that nobody will ever understand anyway so it’s best to keep things to yourself.

I am a survivor of child abuse and the memories have affected me every day since the day they started coming back after years of blocking it out. It seems to rule my life most days, as much as I try to not let it.

Having nightmares every night, repetitive memories, body memories, many nights of tears, weekly therapy… it’s exhausting.

I’m always tired. I know the people in my life are tired of hearing about how tired I am.

I am anxious, and feel safer in very few places.

I get quiet, because my mind is always active and on guard.

Since I have had so much therapeutic support, and am better at taking care of myself, I really have been doing a great job. I really have been well considering everything. Maybe people would read this and be concerned, and that is understandable. When you live with PTSD, and have for years, you learn how to live with it even when it is hard. It is complicated trying to explain the fact that while I struggle, I am also OK..

I am starting a new job.

I graduated from a training I am passionate about.

I am back doing graduate school online.

I have a silly, energetic, snuggly cat who keeps me happy.

I’m in a relationship that is healthy and happy.

For the first time I live somewhere that feels like home.

Still, there is my trauma, my abuser being a family member. My family not all being understanding and supportive. I thought that opening up would help me stay connected to people in my life. It has felt that I have sometimes been avoided instead. Or that I learned how speaking my truth can damage someone else.

When I already have trouble staying in touch with people, it does not feel right to only reach out when I am struggling. I want to be there for others and not have the focus only be what goes on with me. I do not know many people who struggle with PTSD or CPTSD. The ones I know who do, struggle with the same things as me. They also live their lives but go through periods of hibernation and have trouble keeping up socially.

I have learned through the years that true friends, and good good people will not feel you are a burden.

I will never forget..

the friend who drove to my house and brought me cookies when I was missing too many days of high school due to debilitating somatic symptoms..

the friend who brought me Panera Bread and visited with me while I was in a psychiatric hospital, when nobody else, not even my family had visited me..

the friend who tucked me in to her twin sized bed, ordered Chinese food, and painted with me when I had a hard day..

(Ok I’m noticing a theme of food here..)

the friend who texted me he was coming to get me to go on a hike- not giving me a choice to make excuses.

or my psychiatrist who visited me in the hospital after waking up from heart surgery

Asking for help can feel daunting and as if you are asking someone to give you the world. In reality, it is the little things we can do for each other that make the world of difference. Talk or paint. Stay inside, or go out. I know I might not always know what I need, and when I’m struggling it is especially hard to make decisions. I’ve learned that sometimes, “I’m struggling, I don’t want to be alone”, or “I need to talk to someone” is a good place to start. Those who know me best, know where to go from there. Saying the words; that part is on me.

My site was meant to be honest with myself and others. I think it is important I talk about living with trauma. It is hard feeling like nobody understands but you want people to understand. It is hard wanting to show the best sides of yourself, but also wanting to feel true to yourself. It’s hard worrying too much about making others uncomfortable. It is hard not knowing how you should be, what you should do. Rest, or push yourself. Open up, or keep some things private.

I’m trying my best. That is what I want people in my life to know. Perhaps they already know. Perhaps it is me who needs to remind myself of that.