Start Here: A New Beginning

Excuses have kept me from the keyboard, and I thought they were good ones.

“I want to start fresh with a new website.”
“I need to change my domain name.”
“I can’t think of a new one yet, so I will wait to write until I do.”

Or, “I can’t blog until I finish my book.”
Ok, well I have been trying to finish my book for years, is it really going to be done anytime soon?

“Maybe I should start vlogging instead? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that though..” “Would that be annoying for others to see?”

My blog was always about me first. I needed an outlet to journal, and connect with others in a vulnerable way. 

When I tried to be like other bloggers, my joy for blogging went away. Last year I removed thousands of followers I had gained through hashtags, and kept those who I followed back, or who engaged the most with my content. 

I used to write long Instagram captions, and while I still do, I also feel hesitant to share as much as I used to. Instagram has changed, engagement has changed, and I thought, why share so much if not as many people will see it anyway?

You see, this hiding, this restricting I have been doing, has not been good for me either. 

It is 2023 and a good time for a fresh start. 

I left an unhealthy job in the fall of 2022. I have started working as a Peer Specialist and for the first time I can say I believe I am working somewhere that is safe. Somewhere I am safe to be me.

My role as a Peer Specialist means I am supporting and advocating for others while sharing my own lived mental health experiences.

Now that I decided to start publishing posts again, I realized I must do so differently. It is not appropriate to write about my days in the ways I have before. It is not appropriate to use this space to reflect on my days at work or my meetings with individuals served. It is easy for anyone to search my name or land on this blog. 

I can still write about my career growth, my personal development- but other reflections can have their separate space. This blog can have its boundaries. 

This site will stay the same in terms of reflecting on my life as a trauma survivor in her 20’s, learning to balance therapy, work, relationships, and self-care.

This is my first full-time job and I am still learning how to take care of myself. For the first time I feel supported when I advocate for myself at work. I appreciate that some days I can work from home and rest and also feel more productive. I appreciate that I can fit my own therapy into my schedule. It is exhausting having multiple sessions a week, but I am more exhausted without them. My sessions keep me going. I am still learning how to balance it all.

I work 4 10-hour days to give me flexibility for therapy. The long hours are a lot, and while I’m doing it there are a lot of things that impact me each week.

My life with PTSD means I still struggle with dissociation. I have nightmares every night and have tried a slew of medications that have not helped my sleep. Often my appetite is poor. My PTSD can trigger my other “friend”, Rheumatoid Arthritis. RA leaves my knees swollen and makes it hard to move around or even get dressed some days. RA + PTSD together.. leave me exhausted. In my work, I feel energized when meeting with the people I am supporting. I can be real, I can be me.

Many days of the week I still feel a bit of imposter syndrome in my new role. I feel like I could be doing better, because I often wish I could be feeling better! The truth is that I’m doing just fine. I’m doing it all, and it’s a lot that I am doing. I can’t compare myself to the work done by “healthy” people.

This job is a blessing and also comes with some growing pains. I have a lot of support but can still feel a bit isolated at work.

In a time I felt isolated before, I turned to blogging to connect. Why not, give this a try again!