September 2020: Suicide Prevention Month
After my 18th birthday I got my first tattoo during suicide prevention week. The word inspire on the inside of my left wrist, with a semi-colon in disguise as the second letter i. I wanted to get a tattoo that I could read every day on my skin, to remind me to keep going when it feels like I want everything to stop.
I have Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD- and suicidal thoughts or behaviors are risks of both disorders. In my younger years I did not know how to communicate my depression. I just did not want to see my friends, leave my room, or feel motivation to do anything.
It was not until I was 17 when my mom first heard me communicate that I had no desire to live anymore. I confessed that her happy-go-lucky child was not really happy as much as we thought, and I had really been self-harming and googling things about suicide. I got help almost immediately, but I have been hospitalized twice since I was 17 and it has been a long road. I am 22 years old now and I am still getting help. I finally feel heard in therapy, about the big and the small stuff! But mostly the big stuff..I’m finally getting it out.
I am resilient. And maybe call me cheesy, but that word relates to everyone in a different way. For me it really hits home. It is one of the strengths that has gotten me through some very difficult times. My tattoo reminds me that I have the power to pause, to keep going, and to inspire others by doing so. That it is OK to take a break, it is okay to ask for help, but in having that tattoo I was NOT allowed to cancel it out. In a way, it worked. I haven’t harmed in years. But the thoughts sometimes seem like they won’t go away. I still have my triggers I have to work through.
Suicide is a delicate topic to me, because it reminds me of many times that could have been different, that could have prevented me from being here today. It is painful to remember how dark my mind can be sometimes.
For me, it was an overwhelming sadness or numbness of things which seemed like they were never going to get better. It affected everything in my lifestyle from sleep, social life, eating, drinking, I could not function the same. When my PTSD developed it became flashbacks and nightmares, and struggling with guilt for not being able to stop dissociating in certain situations. It doesn’t mean I had a bad life, or that I was never loved, or that I don’t have nice things or things to be grateful for. It is an illness. It is the effects of trauma, and the chemicals in my brain. The dark seems more powerful and never-ending than the light.
The best way I have known to get through it is by riding the wave, or this rollercoaster we call life. I have times in my healing where I have met great strides and feel unstoppable. Other times, I feel like I am going backwards. It is the experiences that I have in the in-between that keep me going. The people in my life, the things I am involved in, and having things to look forward to!
These are some things that have helped me when I had been experiencing depression/thoughts of suicide.
The Crisis Text Line. text “start” to 741-741 Texting anonymously with someone who could provide support and help to deescalate the situation has helped me the few times I had used the service. Now, I will be seeing another side to the Crisis Text Line, as I soon will be starting a practicum with them.
Calling a friend. This is hard to do because depression makes you feel like you don’t have anyone, or that you will burden others with your problems. Many times a phone call to someone I care about has helped me get through a tough emotion and remind me that I have a support system to utilize.
Telling my doctor!! This one should be an obvious one, but sometimes I would forget that when I was feeling more depressed there could be more contributing factors. Sometimes diet, sleep, exercise can make an impact. Other times I did not know my thyroid levels were off. It is also helpful for my doctor to be aware to monitor my symptoms and make any changes to my medications as needed.
Leaving my comfort zone. When all I want to do is sleep, I try to make myself do some small tasks whether it is taking a shower and putting on “real” clothes not just loungewear. Going for a walk, going thru with plans I wanted to cancel. Eating a meal when my appetite is low. Drinking more water during the day. The small things can make a big difference! I can be the queen of isolation, but I know this does not help me even though it is most comfortable.
Support groups! I am a part of a few support groups over Facebook and though I am not an active poster I do find them helpful when connecting to people going through a similar experience. I am in one group for Endometriosis warriors, and this past year I joined another group for adult PTSD survivors who have experienced either domestic violence or childhood abuse. I have asked questions in the group before or used it as a place to share my experience and it really is helpful to know you are not alone.
and most importantly..it is always helpful to remind myself that whatever i’m feeling, even the most intense emotion or feeling is temporary. I won’t feel like this forever. I may have a mix of good days, ok days, and days when I want to hide away. It might take a very long time to get better, and it might not. But when depression convinces you that you will never feel OK again, I have to remind yourself that is not true.
It’s not an easy road. You can get through it though, with help.